Zoloftopia's Blog

And a month later…

zoloftopia — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 21:18:33 +0000

Ok so it’s been almost a month since my last post. I call it a moment of reflection, but it is truly…just plain old laziness. Alas, I could no longer resist another post to update the one person who actually reads this. My love affair with Zoli is going quite well. Life seems less stressful, more vibrant, funnier….easier. I cried once in 3 weeks. ONCE! ONE SINGLE TIME! It’s pretty awesome. I was remembering the horrible incident so many years ago around this time of year and it brought tears to my eyes. But this time, the empty, hollow and gut wrenching ache was gone….they were, simply put, just tears.

I have to admit…I absolutely love these pills. I look forward to them daily. My relationships are improving. My attitude is improving. My life is improving. My emotions, however, feel absent. I feel like sometimes I’m not really here. I have no opinions, good or bad, about anything. When someone asks me how I am feeling, I answer, “I feel nothing.” There is no absolute joy, there is no absolute sadness. I am content and focused. I am living life for once even if it is without emotion. I am not offended by what people say or do. I am no longer paranoid or insecure. I am feeling normal for once.

The only side effects I could probably live without is the fatigue and headaches. My appetite is back to normal. I thought for sure I’d lose my sex drive but it is still there. The only difference is that I no longer hunger for it so much that it consumes my thoughts. When the offer is presented, I will take it and enjoy it. Otherwise….I do not care.

“Oh Dearest Zoli….you make my life so much more likable. “

Weekend blues or weekend bliss?

zoloftopia — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 21:37:08 +0000

To be or not to be..It is Halloweenie weekend and I’m going out of town for some seriously conservative partying. Promises of fun and entertainment with my usual combination of cynicism makes me wonder if it will be good or bad. I want to drink, I really do. Dare I try it since I can’t stop medication now? Listed are the facts: Alcohol may enhance side effects…

So far no biggie. The biggest side effect will be me falling asleep on the dance floor. What perplexes me the most is the fact that I will be enjoying it with people I haven’t decided whether I really care for or not. People are who they portray themselves to be. It’s hard to trust but since I’ve been such a social deviant for the past few years, I’m willing to put aside my fears of betrayal from parties that have been known to stir the pot in the past. After all, I’m learning that lately, I’m not the greatest friend in the world. If I were, I’d probably have more friends to embarrass myself in front of. Makes me ponder my decisions I’ve made in the past few years.

So many questions…so many obvious answers…what oh what am I to do with this stubborn bull-headed person I’ve become?

“Dear Zoli,
Bring on the fun….not the pain!”

As The World is Turning

zoloftopia — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 18:14:00 +0000

So its been almost a week on these lovely pills. Do I feel different? No not really. Happier..no not really. Sad? Nope. I feel less high strung. I feel mostly tired. Tired all day like all I want to do is nap nap nap. There is the common diarrhea and loss of appetite, but not as much as I thought. I still eat (mostly because I know I need to) and I sleep pretty good through the night now. I wake up refreshed but start to feel sluggish at work the first four hours.

My noticeable reactions to the medication is that I’m less paranoid about things. About the people around me and the things being said and done that usually trigger me to get angry. I’m far more calm than before and instead of obsessing over little things, I’m learning to just forget about them. Why I let so many things build up from nothing, I will never know. Life really is too short and I’m taking it too seriously. I suppose my next big goal is to eliminate the obviously toxic things in my life. Man…that’s going to be hard when you love them so much.

“Dear Zoli, You make things make a little more sense. I feel like it’s a blessing and a curse, much like some of my relationships and some friendships. But I’m hoping that our union will help me move towards the greener side of this crazy thing we call…LIFE.”

Mosey-ing along…

zoloftopia — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 14:48:10 +0000

Well it’s the day after my second pill. I have to tell you, yesterday I was absolutely exhausted beyond words. I tried not to sleep so that I’d fall asleep early last night. Today, however, I feel rejuvenated. I don’t really have any of the side effects that were listed. Yesterday there was fatigue, some nausea, slight loss of appetite and a mild headache. I am so relieved. My only concerns are with whom I’m choosing to talk to about it. I know my other half knows but refuses to say anything about my trying this medication. I wonder if it bothers him but I dare not ask because, simply put, I do not care enough to discuss it. Will this effect my relationship that has seen more downs than ups lately?

“Dear Zoli, we had a rough start but things seem to be going smoothly now. Who knew we’d hit it off? I was afraid we wouldn’t like each other, but it is still too early to tell. Hoping and praying for the best results…for everyone.”

Loopy Lady!

zoloftopia — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 15:23:02 +0000

Today I am feeling a little loopy. Sure..I know! It’s been LESS than 24 hours! But here are my effects so far: Light headed, nausea, loss of appetite and changing body temp. I didn’t sleep very well last night, I was so incredibly hot. Now at work I am so incredibly cold. Oh and I am so very tired..I’m napping every chance I get. Otherwise there’s really nothing significant. I don’t feel any new emotions or less of an emotions I already have.

“Dear Zoli (that is what I will call you for now), I feel like we’re taking this nice and slow, getting to know each other, feeling one another out. It is how most relationships should start off.”

Big Step

zoloftopia — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 04:00:58 +0000

So I finally took my first pill. It’s been almost an hour and I feel the same. Countdown to side effects…..

“Dear Miracle Pill, I don’t feel any different. You haven’t made any significant impacts on my life…yet. I’m glad I’ve let my guard down a little, I’m ready to try something new and different. I hope you aren’t another disappointing relationship that I’ve grown far too accustomed to….Cheers to a new start!”

Chicken Little?

zoloftopia — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 16:46:42 +0000

Ok so I managed to make it through the weekend without diving into the deep abyss of this miracle drug. Why do I hesitate? I said it was because I wanted to be awake to watch the movie Friday night. I said it was because I was too sick to monitor my behavior on Saturday night. I said it was because I wanted to be able to have “relations” consciously on Sunday night. What I really meant was…I’m a little chicken to take it. Excuses…excuses. I never run out of them.

It’s odd really. I can’t even bring myself to tell my special person I’m about to embark on this journey. Embarrassed?…yes. Last night, though, he accidentally found my bottle of untouched pills after asking him to grab something from my purse. He asked, I dodged the question. I wouldn’t be surprised if he memorized “Sertraline” to Google later, but he hasn’t mentioned it yet.

Now it’s Monday and here I am…remembering why I need to try this. “Pause” is only temporary. I think I may take my leap tonight.

“Dear Miracle Pill, I know it seems like I’m ignoring you. I can’t seem to admit to myself that I can no longer control certain aspects of my life. You see me one way and you want to help. I see myself another way and think I don’t need help. It’s me..not you…”

Building up the courage….

zoloftopia — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 06:36:07 +0000

So I’m aimlessly staring at this bottle of lovely pills debating whether I should risk it or not. I’m hearing good and bad things about this medication. I suppose I hesitate the most because I’ve read the possible side effects of it. I am not an avid user of prescription medication as I ALWAYS feel the full effects of them. Hence, I fear that I will suffer rather than prosper.

I mean really….read this…
“Nausea, dizziness, dry mouth, loss of appetite, increased sweating, drowsiness, diarrhea, upset stomach, or trouble sleeping may occur….

Tell your doctor immediately if any of these unlikely but serious side effects occur: unusual or severe mental/mood changes (e.g., agitation, nervousness, suicidal thoughts), decrease in sexual ability (ejaculation delay), decreased interest in sex, uncontrollable shaking (tremor), unusual weight loss.

Tell your doctor immediately if any of these highly unlikely but very serious side effects occur: easy bruising/bleeding, persistent nausea/vomiting, severe stomach/abdominal pain, black stools, seizures, change in the amount of urine, dark urine, vomit that looks like coffee grounds, yellowing eyes/skin.”

Really? I’m considering taking an ANTI-depressant that could possibly cause suicidal thoughts? Or possibly create side effects that got me to this point in the first place like: insomnia and severe mood changes? I mean really???

“It’s wonderful to see you again you special little pill. Before we get to know each other a little better, I need to learn how to put aside my fear of commitment. I may need to do a thorough background check on your credentials before I can make a sound decision on whether this union will be a good one or not.”

Hello Beautiful Pill..It’s nice to meet you.

zoloftopia — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 03:09:29 +0000

Sertraline..50 MG. That is what my doctor prescribed me a year ago. I never filled the prescription. After all, I’m a generally happy person. Fast forward to now…OMG I need this like I need air. When did I lose control? So I’m looking at the bottle debating whether I want to start taking them today or tomorrow…hmmmmm.

“Hello beautiful pill. It’s nice to meet you. Someone referred me to your services and I’m hoping that you can assist me with my current dilemma….LIFE.”